my favorite suggestion so far: passive aggressive commentary!
maybe you can try some passive aggressive behavior
like sigh around the house "boy i wish i could have people over, but someone won't leave the apt...."
it might go away, but it also might have babies
Sorry, I can't go out tonight and leave all my food unattended because I have to stay in and repair all these cereal boxes that someone chewed through.
i saw a mouse playing in traffic. i wonder if you want to check that out?
i wasn't going to get a cat, but someone keeps insisting on burglarizing my apt.
I guess I would go buy more bite-size food, but SOMEONE keeps pooping on the counter!
i really hope if someone decides to go all octomom, she choses to raise them in apt 1.
do you hear that squeaking? god it is driving me crazy, whatever it may be...
its more humane that traps, at least.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
How not to ask someone out
Hi All
This is more just a vent and not a personally embarrassing story, but definitely a tip for all you gay internet daters out there. And maybe not gay, why be biased? I just don't know if this horrendous practice exists in straighty-land.
Is there an influx of passive-aggressive interest on the internet? I think there is. That wonderful term I just invented 'passive-aggressive interest' will be defined as thus: romantic and/or lustful interest in someone, reflected by constantly asking leading, annoying, yet indirect and purposeless questions, and refusing to ask what is actually on one's mind.
This is best exemplified by three questions:
1. What else? This means, I am interested, but I cannot possibly put forth enough sincere interest, brain capacity, creativity, or risk-taking to ask a real question, so I will put all the burden back on you. Fun answers to this question include "Nothing." "I don't know, you tell me." "That's it. Goodbye" or "I am chatting with someone more interesting right now."
Be careful of the backfire though! When I was asked this question one too many times and subsequently snapped, "NO! You have to ask me a real question!" I was met with a hesitant, "Ummm, do you like camping?"
To which, I wanted to bang my head, or his, through some heavy glass.
2. What's up? (Of course this is a passable introduction) However, when you have been chatting for a while and someone asks, "So, what's up?" this obviously means "I am horny and want to hook up but I will not make the effort or take the risk to ask you."
What's up? followed by a :-) or ;-) is also a free pass for murder.
3. And the winner of all passive-aggressive interest: So when are we meeting?
Jesus Christ, people. SO WHEN ARE WE MEETING? If you want to ask someone (me) out, set up a hook up, coffee, beer, handshake, or driveby, prove you have balls and ask.
N.B. The obvious flip answer is "I suppose whenever you ask" But be careful, because this awful person may actually ask. If someone you were really interested asked "So when are you meeting" you would obviously swoon.
You're welcome.
This is more just a vent and not a personally embarrassing story, but definitely a tip for all you gay internet daters out there. And maybe not gay, why be biased? I just don't know if this horrendous practice exists in straighty-land.
Is there an influx of passive-aggressive interest on the internet? I think there is. That wonderful term I just invented 'passive-aggressive interest' will be defined as thus: romantic and/or lustful interest in someone, reflected by constantly asking leading, annoying, yet indirect and purposeless questions, and refusing to ask what is actually on one's mind.
This is best exemplified by three questions:
1. What else? This means, I am interested, but I cannot possibly put forth enough sincere interest, brain capacity, creativity, or risk-taking to ask a real question, so I will put all the burden back on you. Fun answers to this question include "Nothing." "I don't know, you tell me." "That's it. Goodbye" or "I am chatting with someone more interesting right now."
Be careful of the backfire though! When I was asked this question one too many times and subsequently snapped, "NO! You have to ask me a real question!" I was met with a hesitant, "Ummm, do you like camping?"
To which, I wanted to bang my head, or his, through some heavy glass.
2. What's up? (Of course this is a passable introduction) However, when you have been chatting for a while and someone asks, "So, what's up?" this obviously means "I am horny and want to hook up but I will not make the effort or take the risk to ask you."
What's up? followed by a :-) or ;-) is also a free pass for murder.
3. And the winner of all passive-aggressive interest: So when are we meeting?
Jesus Christ, people. SO WHEN ARE WE MEETING? If you want to ask someone (me) out, set up a hook up, coffee, beer, handshake, or driveby, prove you have balls and ask.
N.B. The obvious flip answer is "I suppose whenever you ask" But be careful, because this awful person may actually ask. If someone you were really interested asked "So when are you meeting" you would obviously swoon.
You're welcome.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
how not to get a bird out of your apartment
I awoke to my roommate, C's, terrified shriek right outside my door. Opening my bedroom door, C was huddled in a ball, clutching the doorjamb. "There is a bird in the living room."
C had just moved in and had left one of the screen less windows of our 11th floor apartment open just a smidge overnight. C was apparently a smidge scared of birds. I walked to the living room to find a bird flying overhead, eventually settling in a corner. Hopping over the couch, I opened several of the other screen less windows to encourage a return to outdoors. A dignified walk back to the safety of the hallway was out of the question as i dove over the back of the couch and fell to the ground when the bird swooped past me.
Tho the window was only open a bit, two birds had snuck into our apt this morning and could not figure a way out. The first bird flew right out one of the open windows. That bird turned out to be the Albert Einstein of birds. The second bird has settled into the small area between the front door, the closet door and a window which had a screen. Not the mental equivalent of its peer, that bird decided to fling itself into the window every five minutes, hoping magically for a different result. Great, an avian Sisyphus.
C is getting more and more skiddish with each repeated attempt at escape on the bird's part and is lingering by the hallway, as close to the furthest part of the apartment as possible. Our designs were as follows:
1. C: can't you just open the front door and let it out in the hallway? If this bird can't figure out how to try another window, I highly doubt its smart enough to figure out how to operate the elevator. You'd still be trapped in here, since the bird would just fling itself back and forth against the screenless windows in the hall.
2. I called the management company to inform them that there was a bird in our apartment. There was a long pause on the other end. "I mean, I know you probably can't do anything but we are just kinda throwing out ideas and maybe someone could come over and try to scare the bird out." "I'll let you know when a maintenance person comes in." Dear Lady, how about you wake up to a bird in your apartment and see how logical you are?
3. Crackers. You know what a terrified, clearly stupid bird is totally going to fall for? A trail of crackers from his position to an open window. Oddly, food was not the solution to this problem. The birds response to crackers was to knock itself against the window even harder.
4. Maybe we can just leave the windows open and it will fly out eventually? Nah, then we'd just have the scene from the Birds waiting for us when we came home. Already we had screamed at birds who seemed to be taunting us by flying almost directly towards our open windows.
5. Reasoning with the bird. "TRY ANOTHER WINDOW, STUPID BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
6. The closet jutted out from the front wall. I persuaded C to bang on the wall to try to scare the bird out of the corner. She banged on the wall, but much like the crackers, the birds feeble attempt to fly through a closed window only increased. This freaked out C more, who eventually dove under the kitchen table when the bird started making noises.
This is when the Lucy and Ethel shenanigans begin. As a child, i thought that show was annoying as no grown adult would behave in such a ridiculous farcical manner. As an adult with a bird in my apartment, I behaved in a ridiculous farcical manner. I suggested a pot to cover the bird and let it out the window. C pointed out the proximity to the bird in that plan would render the pot useless, and we could probably just shoo it out of the corner sans pot. She said, "And by 'we,' I mean you."
Committed to shooing the bird out of the corner, but from a distance, I grabbed a swiffer. Fearing the bird flying at our faces, I suggested, in all Lucy and Ethel earnestness, that we outfit ourselves with hooded sweatshirts, sunglasses and bandanas to protect our faces. Perhaps this particular Lucy has watched the Birds far too many times. C and I dress ourselves in manner of stage coach robbers to shoo the bird out of the corner. As I approach the corner, with the Swiffer tentatively out, C is obviously five feet behind me. I gently place the Swiffer handle on the shelf next to the bird and move it closer to it. C leaving a puff of smoke behind her, cowers in the bedroom doorway. The bird flies out of the corner, hits a couple more windows and eventually finds one of the many open windows.
C had just moved in and had left one of the screen less windows of our 11th floor apartment open just a smidge overnight. C was apparently a smidge scared of birds. I walked to the living room to find a bird flying overhead, eventually settling in a corner. Hopping over the couch, I opened several of the other screen less windows to encourage a return to outdoors. A dignified walk back to the safety of the hallway was out of the question as i dove over the back of the couch and fell to the ground when the bird swooped past me.
Tho the window was only open a bit, two birds had snuck into our apt this morning and could not figure a way out. The first bird flew right out one of the open windows. That bird turned out to be the Albert Einstein of birds. The second bird has settled into the small area between the front door, the closet door and a window which had a screen. Not the mental equivalent of its peer, that bird decided to fling itself into the window every five minutes, hoping magically for a different result. Great, an avian Sisyphus.
C is getting more and more skiddish with each repeated attempt at escape on the bird's part and is lingering by the hallway, as close to the furthest part of the apartment as possible. Our designs were as follows:
1. C: can't you just open the front door and let it out in the hallway? If this bird can't figure out how to try another window, I highly doubt its smart enough to figure out how to operate the elevator. You'd still be trapped in here, since the bird would just fling itself back and forth against the screenless windows in the hall.
2. I called the management company to inform them that there was a bird in our apartment. There was a long pause on the other end. "I mean, I know you probably can't do anything but we are just kinda throwing out ideas and maybe someone could come over and try to scare the bird out." "I'll let you know when a maintenance person comes in." Dear Lady, how about you wake up to a bird in your apartment and see how logical you are?
3. Crackers. You know what a terrified, clearly stupid bird is totally going to fall for? A trail of crackers from his position to an open window. Oddly, food was not the solution to this problem. The birds response to crackers was to knock itself against the window even harder.
4. Maybe we can just leave the windows open and it will fly out eventually? Nah, then we'd just have the scene from the Birds waiting for us when we came home. Already we had screamed at birds who seemed to be taunting us by flying almost directly towards our open windows.
5. Reasoning with the bird. "TRY ANOTHER WINDOW, STUPID BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
6. The closet jutted out from the front wall. I persuaded C to bang on the wall to try to scare the bird out of the corner. She banged on the wall, but much like the crackers, the birds feeble attempt to fly through a closed window only increased. This freaked out C more, who eventually dove under the kitchen table when the bird started making noises.
This is when the Lucy and Ethel shenanigans begin. As a child, i thought that show was annoying as no grown adult would behave in such a ridiculous farcical manner. As an adult with a bird in my apartment, I behaved in a ridiculous farcical manner. I suggested a pot to cover the bird and let it out the window. C pointed out the proximity to the bird in that plan would render the pot useless, and we could probably just shoo it out of the corner sans pot. She said, "And by 'we,' I mean you."
Committed to shooing the bird out of the corner, but from a distance, I grabbed a swiffer. Fearing the bird flying at our faces, I suggested, in all Lucy and Ethel earnestness, that we outfit ourselves with hooded sweatshirts, sunglasses and bandanas to protect our faces. Perhaps this particular Lucy has watched the Birds far too many times. C and I dress ourselves in manner of stage coach robbers to shoo the bird out of the corner. As I approach the corner, with the Swiffer tentatively out, C is obviously five feet behind me. I gently place the Swiffer handle on the shelf next to the bird and move it closer to it. C leaving a puff of smoke behind her, cowers in the bedroom doorway. The bird flies out of the corner, hits a couple more windows and eventually finds one of the many open windows.
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